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‘Coal Mining for Emotions’ Category

  1. Recluse.

    October 16, 2012 by DJ

    Here’s my dirty little secret.

    I’m vulnerable. Painfully, depressingly so.

    I hate even saying those words out loud, let alone typing them for the internet to see. Though, few are reading these words these days. My close friends and many of you I don’t know as well would argue with me. Sure, I’ve made it through a lot. I’ve got titanium plates to prove it. Here’s the thing, strong and weak are not the same thing as vulnerable and unsure.

    I walked across the Chicago river yesterday, sun streaming through the bright fall sky and wept. I couldn’t even stop. I didn’t even try.

    I’m honestly loving the work I’m doing with my psychologist. I am. But I’m examining things I never even knew existed and re-evaluating things I was sure were one thing and now I’m sure of NOTHING. He’s right and observes (correctly) that my sarcasm and wit doesn’t equate with what I’m feeling.

    I’m so terrified of being invisible, of never mattering to anyone and I thought I’d learned so much from Nice Boy only to feel like I achieved nothing. And it all hurts. It drains my spirit and I find I have little energy for more than one task at a time. I’m never sure of the right action and I’m so sick of feeling like I always take the wrong one that I’m driven to embrace inaction.

    I’m starting to think J.D. Salinger was onto something other than literature.

     

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions, Whee Therapy!! | Tags: | 1 Comment

  2. I have a complex.

    September 9, 2012 by DJ

    Obviously I am aware that you all know this. It’s pretty plain to see. I probably have several in fact. But there’s one that been poking at me a lot lately.

    I have a Julia Child complex.

    Stick with me here.

    I don’t want to be famous, and I don’t particularly want to cook for a living or make television or really do any of the things she did. But I’m stumbling lately. And I’m floundering to find something I love and something I’m good at.

    And let’s be honest, I’m a little odd like her. She was quirky and a little outside of the norm and goddamn if Paul Child didn’t love her. I want someone to find all of my weird shit extraordinary.

    I feel like it’s not too much to ask and yet everything to ask. It’s part of the reason I’m in therapy twice a week. I’m searching on multiple fronts and I’m not yet ok with that.

    At any rate, there it is. I want to be Julia Child. I said it.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions, Whee Therapy!! | Tags: | No Comments

  3. Stupid, smart, in between?

    July 21, 2012 by DJ

    If you follow me on Twitter (and LORD do I feel bad for you if you do, because I suck lately) you’ve seen:

    a. how absent I’ve been
    b. how unhappy I am

    I’m doing all I can to fix both and honestly, I’m on the verge of doing something stupid, smart or in between. I know I can’t linger anymore in a state where I don’t eat, cry nearly all the time and take more anti-anxiety meds than I know what to do with.

    I’m scared and feel like all I’ve done the last 7 years of my life is go from mistake to mistake. Like I’ve never made good choices and the ones I think are good choices end up not to be. Like things that I think are good never stay and after they’ve gone, they still don’t look as bad as they should.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 5 Comments

  4. I’ve never got clever titles when I need them

    January 12, 2012 by DJ

    I think I started watching this video even before we split. This, plus “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey became a bit of a ritual for me; it still is. I didn’t quite understand why I was so drawn to it. I thought, “This is ridiculous, you have NB. You don’t identify with this song.” And it was true to a point. I didn’t. I’d pushed all the crappy ex shit far away. I’d let my new happiness flood in like I was flooding the damn Coliseum.

    I couldn’t understand why it had just grabbed me. I was definitely in the other “it’s all for you” camp.

    Then I listened again. More. Harder. I put myself in the words and finally realized it. I realized that I was worried that I’d be just “a girl I dated”. If there’s one thing that connects my past few relationships it’s the awful sinking feeling afterward of “it never even happened.”

    That I never made an impact on anyone’s life. That they pursued their lives and their choices completely without a thought to me. That there is only ONE photo of the two of us together. (Yes, some of that may be attributed to the fact that I don’t love having my picture taken.)

    No parties, no excuses for random photos of us. No anniversaries and only one vacation taken. No documentation that we ever existed. And that I felt like once it was done, it was erased like someone shook an enormous Etch-A-Sketch. Melted down. Cleared away and made clean to start again.

    So that the life that I thought I had could be lived by someone else. To become nothing, barely a memory.

    Just somebody that he used to know.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 1 Comment

  5. Fighter (No, not you Christina Aguilera.)

    January 5, 2012 by DJ

    First things first: you guys are so wonderful with your kind words and I’m sorry to leave this place languishing. I’ll try to be here more often.  SO! Onward? Onward.

    Well, that up and did it.

    This post from Overflowing Brain is the proverbial straw that broke the poor, tired, sad camel’s back. Sure, I’ll be the camel in this analogy.

    Here’s the thing: I really, really didn’t want to write another break up post. You’ve read them, I’ve read them. We’ve all rolled our eyes at them. I’m not going to proclaim that I am a “singular creature” and “one day I’ll find someone who values me” and blar di blah blah blah.  I know all of that already.  My self esteem is not an issue in this.  The Witz recommended that I “be kind to myself” which I later wondered aloud to The Moms, “when was I ever NOT being kind to myself”?

    My very nature is to put myself first. I’m an only child, and it’s ingrained in my DNA. In fact, part of my therapy was in learning how to be in a relationship and actually be ok with caring for someone else as well as myself.

    So why the post? Oh, who knows? After reading Katie’s post I sobbed; but that’s not unusual at this point. If I have a day where I only sob once I’m shocked. Yes, I’ve been crying every day, multiple times a day ever since things ended. Believe it or not, it took The Witz saying “YOU’RE DEPRESSED” several times yesterday before I admitted to myself that it’s ok to be weeping several times a day. As it turns out, I’m supposed to be doing that.  Which, yeah, I’d like to fast forward through this part. The thought that it could take 4 months or so to get over all of this makes my stomach roil. I’ve barely handled three or so weeks sane.

    But here’s the really crazy part:

    I’m going to “fight” for it. That’s right; I’m doing what every modern female bone in my body says not to do. Not because I think anything will change; I’m fairly certain that no matter how nice Nice Boy is (and it is IS) he’s not ready to be in the kind of relationship I need.

    But, I will email him (date already determined for maximum emotional strength).  I will tell him that I want to talk. I will say that I don’t understand why we couldn’t try to make things better. I will say that I know it’s not easy, but I loved our life as it was. I will say that I need to know EXACTLY what it is that wasn’t working for him.

    I’m “fighting” because I’ve never fought before. I’ve never cared enough to say, “this doesn’t make sense…why are you running from something that is good, even if it’s terrifying right now”. I’m fighting for me.

    So that I can look back and know that I did everything within my power to ensure my own happiness.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 8 Comments

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