I think I started watching this video even before we split. This, plus “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey became a bit of a ritual for me; it still is. I didn’t quite understand why I was so drawn to it. I thought, “This is ridiculous, you have NB. You don’t identify with this song.” And it was true to a point. I didn’t. I’d pushed all the crappy ex shit far away. I’d let my new happiness flood in like I was flooding the damn Coliseum.
I couldn’t understand why it had just grabbed me. I was definitely in the other “it’s all for you” camp.
Then I listened again. More. Harder. I put myself in the words and finally realized it. I realized that I was worried that I’d be just “a girl I dated”. If there’s one thing that connects my past few relationships it’s the awful sinking feeling afterward of “it never even happened.”
That I never made an impact on anyone’s life. That they pursued their lives and their choices completely without a thought to me. That there is only ONE photo of the two of us together. (Yes, some of that may be attributed to the fact that I don’t love having my picture taken.)
No parties, no excuses for random photos of us. No anniversaries and only one vacation taken. No documentation that we ever existed. And that I felt like once it was done, it was erased like someone shook an enormous Etch-A-Sketch. Melted down. Cleared away and made clean to start again.
So that the life that I thought I had could be lived by someone else. To become nothing, barely a memory.
Just somebody that he used to know.
DJ, first off thanks for sharing the video. it’s very cool and lord can i too relate. i’m sorry you’re bummin’. you should talk to NB if it would help you deal. i don’t know anything about your situation but it seems like NB isn’t looking for something *REAL* … if he were then you wouldn’t be left wondering what the eff went wrong. I’ve learned the hard way (and am still learning) the conversation isn’t an unavoidable part of being in a relationship — it IS the relationship. If you are not talking about the relationship, what it is, what it means to you, then it’s just activity partners. any relationship in which we don’t say what we are really thinking and feeling is one that’s gonna derail. (((( H U G S )))) wishing you strength, courage and wisdom. xoxo