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  1. I’ve never got clever titles when I need them

    January 12, 2012 by DJ

    I think I started watching this video even before we split. This, plus “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey became a bit of a ritual for me; it still is. I didn’t quite understand why I was so drawn to it. I thought, “This is ridiculous, you have NB. You don’t identify with this song.” And it was true to a point. I didn’t. I’d pushed all the crappy ex shit far away. I’d let my new happiness flood in like I was flooding the damn Coliseum.

    I couldn’t understand why it had just grabbed me. I was definitely in the other “it’s all for you” camp.

    Then I listened again. More. Harder. I put myself in the words and finally realized it. I realized that I was worried that I’d be just “a girl I dated”. If there’s one thing that connects my past few relationships it’s the awful sinking feeling afterward of “it never even happened.”

    That I never made an impact on anyone’s life. That they pursued their lives and their choices completely without a thought to me. That there is only ONE photo of the two of us together. (Yes, some of that may be attributed to the fact that I don’t love having my picture taken.)

    No parties, no excuses for random photos of us. No anniversaries and only one vacation taken. No documentation that we ever existed. And that I felt like once it was done, it was erased like someone shook an enormous Etch-A-Sketch. Melted down. Cleared away and made clean to start again.

    So that the life that I thought I had could be lived by someone else. To become nothing, barely a memory.

    Just somebody that he used to know.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 1 Comment

  2. Fighter (No, not you Christina Aguilera.)

    January 5, 2012 by DJ

    First things first: you guys are so wonderful with your kind words and I’m sorry to leave this place languishing. I’ll try to be here more often.  SO! Onward? Onward.

    Well, that up and did it.

    This post from Overflowing Brain is the proverbial straw that broke the poor, tired, sad camel’s back. Sure, I’ll be the camel in this analogy.

    Here’s the thing: I really, really didn’t want to write another break up post. You’ve read them, I’ve read them. We’ve all rolled our eyes at them. I’m not going to proclaim that I am a “singular creature” and “one day I’ll find someone who values me” and blar di blah blah blah.  I know all of that already.  My self esteem is not an issue in this.  The Witz recommended that I “be kind to myself” which I later wondered aloud to The Moms, “when was I ever NOT being kind to myself”?

    My very nature is to put myself first. I’m an only child, and it’s ingrained in my DNA. In fact, part of my therapy was in learning how to be in a relationship and actually be ok with caring for someone else as well as myself.

    So why the post? Oh, who knows? After reading Katie’s post I sobbed; but that’s not unusual at this point. If I have a day where I only sob once I’m shocked. Yes, I’ve been crying every day, multiple times a day ever since things ended. Believe it or not, it took The Witz saying “YOU’RE DEPRESSED” several times yesterday before I admitted to myself that it’s ok to be weeping several times a day. As it turns out, I’m supposed to be doing that.  Which, yeah, I’d like to fast forward through this part. The thought that it could take 4 months or so to get over all of this makes my stomach roil. I’ve barely handled three or so weeks sane.

    But here’s the really crazy part:

    I’m going to “fight” for it. That’s right; I’m doing what every modern female bone in my body says not to do. Not because I think anything will change; I’m fairly certain that no matter how nice Nice Boy is (and it is IS) he’s not ready to be in the kind of relationship I need.

    But, I will email him (date already determined for maximum emotional strength).  I will tell him that I want to talk. I will say that I don’t understand why we couldn’t try to make things better. I will say that I know it’s not easy, but I loved our life as it was. I will say that I need to know EXACTLY what it is that wasn’t working for him.

    I’m “fighting” because I’ve never fought before. I’ve never cared enough to say, “this doesn’t make sense…why are you running from something that is good, even if it’s terrifying right now”. I’m fighting for me.

    So that I can look back and know that I did everything within my power to ensure my own happiness.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 8 Comments

  3. I Haven’t Got A Clever Title.

    December 26, 2011 by DJ

    *cobwebs*

    I’d love to say something like “Oh hello! I forgot ALL ABOUT you little blog.”  Truth is I haven’t forgotten; hell I just paid the hosting fee. I’m struggling with a way to come back. Struggling with what has transpired over the last few weeks and maybe even months.

    I’m not sure I’m ready to put it all out there. Makes it kinda final, don’t you think?  I just sit here and anxiously pick at my fingers, wondering how I’ll tell it all. Wondering how it will all look and sound.

    So if there are any of you still out there, just know that I am thinking about this little home of mine. Staring at a blank post wondering what it is I have to say.

     

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions | Tags: | 5 Comments

  4. I could see for miles, miles, miles

    September 15, 2011 by DJ

    On the eve of my long awaited solo vacation I got a little misty.  Yes, I realize I frequently get misty and if you didn’t know by now that I’m a huge sap, well, ya’ll better ask somebody.

    All week long people have been asking me if I’m excited.  I am, truly.  But there’s been something holding me back from sheer glee and I haven’t exactly figured out what it is.  Sure, I’m a little nervous about visiting places where my barely passable French might be used; but like I said, it’s more than just that.

    This trip has meant something since the start.  I knew I wanted to take a trip outside the U.S. and I wanted to go by myself.  I hadn’t been able to really pin down why until today.  I found myself watching the “Holocene” video again (as I’ve done eleventy billion other times) and crying (like I’ve done eleventy billion other times).

    There is a sense of peace in this video.  Freedom and exploration are written on that kid’s face.  Like you could just go to where he is and breathe.  Breathe in and out and just KNOW who you are.

    BON IVER “Holocene” from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.

    I realized today this trip is the culmination of a journey I’ve been on for years now.  A journey that has had heartbreak, nervous breakdowns, surgeries and countless other things.  I’ve been on a journey to redefine myself.  To stop beating myself up for not being who I thought at twenty who I was supposed to be.  To trust myself and find a new me.  To redefine the image and scope of my adult life.

    I’d been wanting this trip to be a representative of something I was unsure of.  I realized it today.  This trip is about MY Common Era.  This trip is a shift in the tectonic plates of my life; a demarcation of the behind and of the ahead.

    I look behind me to see fear, unhappiness, doubt and hurt.  I look ahead to see who I am, not just who I wanted to be.  I’ve never known how to combine the two.  I look forward to see someone I care for.  But it’s someone who I will never care more about than myself, and that’s good.  I see a life where genuine happiness is possible.  Where I can have all the things I need and know how to work to get what I want.

    I plan to leave as much as I can of that old life in Europe.  Leave coils of my scarred & battle tested former self.  I’m pretty sure they won’t mind.

    I’m not saying everything will be perfect and rose colored from here on out.  In fact, I’m hoping it isn’t.  Because now I know how to handle it.  I had an old set of armor, all dinged & pockmarked because I’d been wearing it for so damn long.  I’ve a shiny new set now.  I choose now when to wear it.  And it’s far superior to that heavy, awful set.

    And so, off I go to find myself.  Though “finding” makes it sound as though I have been lost.

    Really, it’s losing my old self so that the found me can take its place.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions, Whee Therapy!! | Tags: | 2 Comments

  5. Countdown

    September 12, 2011 by DJ

    Yous guyssss (imagine Mike Ditka saying it).

    I’ve been such a slacker.  You all left some great comments and I’ve just been so absentee over here.  I’m sorry about not responding.

    For those who are interested, it’s bicycling.  It’s nowhere near my favorite thing to do, but in working things through with The Witz, I’ve come to some realizations:

    I don’t handle doing things I don’t like very well.  It’s a deep rooted coping mechanism and trying to put it into words with Nice Boy is pretty damn hard.

    Also, I will be getting on a damn bike.  HARUMPH.  Nowhere near cars though, I’ve made that really fucking clear.

    SO!  Now that’s been covered, I’m here to say, I won’t be here for a few weeks.

    I leave for my big “self recovery/discovery trip” on Friday.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a little bit nervous.  But that’s also my way, so it’s alright.

    (I’ll likely be Tweeting since I’m bringing Nice Boy’s iPad, but the full length blogs will have to wait.)

    à bientôt!!
    Tot ziens!! (they tell me that’s Dutch for “see you soon”)

    Category Uncategorized | Tags: | 1 Comment

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