I’ve used this metaphor before (so sue me) but anxiety, to me, feels like an iron band wrapped around my lungs, squeezing the life out of me.
Like I know I’m supposed to breathe, to help the attack pass, but I can’t. And once it’s started the snowball effect of my thoughts are nearly impossible to stop.
Without divulging too much here, Nice Boy has a certain activity he likes to do. I do not like said activity. I haven’t liked said activity, well, ever..but I certainly haven’t found any enjoyment in it since I was about 13.
He knows this. He’s known it since the day we met. It’s just not my thing. And trust me, I’m one of those girls who LOVES that he has his thing. I don’t need to share everything with my significant other. Please, go and enjoy yourself. I’ll be at home, reading or doing SOMETHING ELSE while you’re out. It’s fine.
He asked last week if I wouldn’t like to do said activity. Would I want to go to say a park or a path and spend a few HOURS doing this. GOOD GOD FUCKING NO I DON’T.
But I kept my mouth shut for the time being and consulted with The Moms and The Witz. We all agreed that it’s ok that I don’t want to and maybe he was asking because he thought I’d been feeling left out.
That’s not why he asked.
Granted, he very sweetly said, “it’s something I love to do and I like spending time with you so I wanted to see if we couldn’t combine the two.” And that’s great. Really.
But then the conversation morphed into something I didn’t expect and very long story short it got me to thinking, “Oh fuck. What if this is a deal breaker??”
What if I found a great man, who in the end I had to compromise and change for AGAIN? What if in order to keep this relationship I had to stifle my own wants & needs AGAIN? What if I lose him over something that he’s known all along? What happens when he decides this is one thing that a potential mate/girlfriend/whatever HAS to have?
In case you’re curious, that’s what the inside of my brain has been doing for ohhhh…4 hours now. Plus about 3 hours from last night.
The Moms tells me that she doesn’t think that’s the case. And it may not be. But for now, this is where I live.
In a gray cavern, shivering in the dark, wondering how long it is until the end.