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  1. Emoting my face off

    August 29, 2011 by DJ

    I’ve used this metaphor before (so sue me) but anxiety, to me, feels like an iron band wrapped around my lungs, squeezing the life out of me.

    Like I know I’m supposed to breathe, to help the attack pass, but I can’t.  And once it’s started the snowball effect of my thoughts are nearly impossible to stop.

    Without divulging too much here, Nice Boy has a certain activity he likes to do.  I do not like said activity.  I haven’t liked said activity, well, ever..but I certainly haven’t found any enjoyment in it since I was about 13.

    He knows this.  He’s known it since the day we met.  It’s just not my thing.  And trust me, I’m one of those girls who LOVES that he has his thing.  I don’t need to share everything with my significant other.  Please, go and enjoy yourself.  I’ll be at home, reading or doing SOMETHING ELSE while you’re out.  It’s fine.

    He asked last week if I wouldn’t like to do said activity.  Would I want to go to say a park or a path and spend a few HOURS doing this.  GOOD GOD FUCKING NO I DON’T.

    But I kept my mouth shut for the time being and consulted with The Moms and The Witz.  We all agreed that it’s ok that I don’t want to and maybe he was asking because he thought I’d been feeling left out.

    That’s not why he asked.

    Granted, he very sweetly said, “it’s something I love to do and I like spending time with you so I wanted to see if we couldn’t combine the two.”  And that’s great.  Really.

    But then the conversation morphed into something I didn’t expect and very long story short it got me to thinking, “Oh fuck.  What if this is a deal breaker??”

    What if I found a great man, who in the end I had to compromise and change for AGAIN?  What if in order to keep this relationship I had to stifle my own wants & needs AGAIN?  What if I lose him over something that he’s known all along?  What happens when he decides this is one thing that a potential mate/girlfriend/whatever HAS to have?

    In case you’re curious, that’s what the inside of my brain has been doing for ohhhh…4 hours now.  Plus about 3 hours from last night.

    The Moms tells me that she doesn’t think that’s the case.  And it may not be.  But for now, this is where I live.

    In a gray cavern, shivering in the dark, wondering how long it is until the end.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions, Whee Therapy!! | Tags: | 5 Comments

  2. Bring a wheelbarrow

    August 25, 2011 by DJ

    Well hello there!  Long time friend!  How’s the family?

    Ok, FINE, I’ve been absent…I know.  I’d love to be able to say, “Ohhhh my I’m so sorry, I’m SOOOOOO caught up in my magical whirlwind romaaaaahnce and I’m so blissfully happy.”

    Don’t get me wrong, Nice Boy is fucking fantastic as ever and some days I’m happier than I ever thought I could be.  But this is real life people!  I stress in therapy and yell and don’t understand some of the things that he does and sometimes I’m a jackass and elbow him in the face when I kiss him goodnight.  Nothing’s perfect people – I am far from it.

    But!  Last night I had one of those happier than ever times.  Time like I had only ever heard other girls talk about.

    To give you a little background, Nice Boy had asked what I was doing for dinner on Wednesday and I said “nothing”.  He accidentally slipped and told me where we were going but then forbade (or asked nicely) that I don’t Google it.  This led to hilarious exchanges over what I was to wear, where we were going, whether or not I was to be sold into white slavery.  The Moms has been cracking up over it for a week and I am not one who enjoys not knowing what is going on.

    Long story short, we drove last night to a not entirely nice part of town, knocked on a window to be let into a building only to find a beautiful room with only 7 other people and a hilarious 80′s music soundtrack playing in the background.

    Without saying too much and sort of “giving away” the experience to the whole of the interwebs, it was an amazing 4 hour dinner with some of the most delicious food I’ve had.

    I mean, it was SOOOO good and the presentation was lovely.

    Oh yeah, that’s FOIE GRAS under there.  NOMZ.

    I grinned like an idiot the whole night and needed someone to wheelbarrow me out of there, but damn was I happy.

    Every day I wonder how this all happened.  I don’t like to think of it as luck or karma; I just wonder how my life got to look this way.  One year ago I walked into therapy, broken down and then broken hearted.  How did I get here?

    How did I just happen to click on the slightly geeky guy?  How did he choose to reply?  How did this all happen?  I don’t know.

    Holy fuck I’m glad it did.

    Category I Secretly Love Schmoop | Tags: | 4 Comments

  3. Grand

    August 11, 2011 by DJ

     

    Find more Matt Morris albums at Myspace Music

    From where you stand
    There’s no way to change it
    No way to make it make sense
    And it’s lonely there
    There in the spotlight
    Well, honey, don’t I understand

    You need someone to love you
    Need someone to hold you
    Tonight
    You need someone to love you
    Need someone to tell you
    That everything is alright
    Someone to love you

    Well, look at me
    And try hard to hide it
    Try hard to keep it all in
    But I found you out
    Discovered your secret
    And, honey, it ain’t a sin

    You need someone to love you
    Need someone to hold you
    Tonight
    You need someone to love you
    Need someone to tell you
    That everything is alright
    Someone to love you

    It doesn’t have to be me
    But you need someone to love you
    Need someone to hold you
    Tonight

    I need someone to love you
    I need someone to tell you
    That everything is alright
    Someone to love you

    One year ago I was in love with a man whom I believed was the one.  I believed that he loved me and I believed everything he said hook, line and sinker.  It doesn’t matter much now that he probably never did and that he lied to me.

    I had been listening to this album a lot a year ago and in my head I had made this song “our song”.  I imagined that he was the “someone”.  I imagined SO MANY things then.

    I hear this song now, and since you all know I’m a sap, I won’t deny that I get choked up about it.  But then I breathe for a minute and remember that everything that happened last year was a hazy fantasy.  Everything was bathed in a soft light focus to blur the facts.  Such ROMANCE!  Such GREAT LOVE!

    I don’t have a song with Nice Boy.  The only dancing we’ve ever done was some very drunken white boy dancing (which I happened to MASSIVELY enjoy).  There are so few words.  So little talking.

    One year ago all I had were words.  Cleverly crafted and mellifluous.  Chosen specifically to burrow into my heart and soul and then left suddenly to rot.  SO MANY WORDS.  I had thought it meant that we were more free.  That he really must feel those things if he’s saying them.  He didn’t.

    The words I have now are conversations.  Just conversations.  Nothing grand or sweeping.

    But if you look close you’ll see those conversations are occurring with intertwined fingers.  You’ll see that after he makes a joke about me being a “weirdo” how I eat my corn he pulls my forehead to his lips and kisses it.  And kisses my cheeks for good measure.  That when we head home, simply saying “see you in a bit” he places his hands on both sides of my face to kiss me.

    It all looks so small.  It sounds small.  It isn’t grand and sweeping and orchestral.  But maybe it shouldn’t be.  Maybe life is small.  Maybe life is the moments that a casual observer would brush aside.  Maybe life is what only happens between two people.

    The small moments that no one ever sees.

    Category Coal Mining for Emotions, I Secretly Love Schmoop | Tags: | 9 Comments

  4. Ahhhhh…

    July 27, 2011 by DJ

    “That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.”

    -Chuck Palahniuk

    I finally feel like I’m back to myself after the past few weeks.  I wasn’t prepared for the tempest that was stirred up; wasn’t ready to have people crammed back into my life despite me wishing for the polar opposite.

    I’ve never been so thankful for my close friends, my mother and The Witz.  People able to put things into perspective and say to me, “No.  This is wrong.  You don’t need to feel this way.”

    I’ve realized how enjoyable things can be when they’re not rife with struggle and drama.  PEOPLE!!  Did you know that you don’t HAVE to be stressed out about things??  I wasn’t fully aware of this until last week really.

    Things will never be perfect; but goddamn they can be calm and enjoyable.  You can laugh and exhale and just fucking breathe.

    Category Cause you gotta have friends, Whee Therapy!! | Tags: | 4 Comments

  5. Bliss-y

    July 22, 2011 by DJ

    “It smells funny in here.  Let’s get some food so we can’t smell it anymore.”

    “What is this?”  “Can’t tell you, just eat it.”

    “This is just re-fried beans with a pound of sugar dumped in.”

    These are all comments that have been made whilst dining/grocery shopping with Nice Boy.  To put it mildly, he is a foodie.  I hate that word really, but there’s no better one.

    In the time we’ve spent together there have been whole dates revolving around pie; soaking & changing the water on a 14 pound country ham; the smoking of a duck in the middle of a beach.  Flat out just absurdly good food.

    With Nice Boy I have consumed goat.  GOAT. Goat from a tiny little (albeit it, EXTREMELY popular) birrieria on the South side.  Did I mention it was GOAT??

    We’ve eaten Thai food from a menu that doesn’t exist.  Their little foodie group has secret menus all over the damn city.  They’re like the Cosa Nostra of ethnic restaurants.

    I’ve drunk bitter Ales that smell frighting, but taste delicious.

    Duck breast, gnocchi with garlic scapes and crisp green beans have been served to me while a cat sits on my hand and a beagle on my foot.

    Assuming I can manage to stave off inevitable weight gain, I’ll continue to love every minute.  And until then, I’ll just be giving him what he wants:

    “I’m not looking for a woman who cooks.  I’m looking for a woman who eats.”

    Category I Secretly Love Schmoop | Tags: | 8 Comments

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